The elusive ‘enough’

I’m no longer young. I know that. I’m not willing to concede middle-aged though. I fight tooth & nail to keep up and stay ahead. Sometimes, I amaze myself, others…not so much.

This last week was a colossal failure of epic proportions. Some things, were absolutely my fault and I take full responsibility for them. Others, well…I recognize that everyone does not drive at the same light speed I engage most days. It was actually a bath tub epiphany Friday night that part of my frustration stems from knowing that everyone isn’t like me, but expecting them to be, and to have the same sense of urgency that I do anyway – even as I know they don’t.

For example. Kingdoms Fall will be out and with me in Biloxi in three weeks give or take. I ordered dragon charms to bead bookmarks for it to have with as well. As of Friday, the charms were still somewhere in transit even though it had been over 30 days since I ordered them. I contacted the seller who asked me to wait an additional 7 days before they would reship or refund. Neither option will help me get the bookhooks done in time. Time to find Plan B.

I had a major editing project that left my desk midweek. I was thankful to send it off to its recipient finally. I had taken several passes through it and wanted it to be just right, so it took a couple extra days, but I think they were worth it. Sitting down at the desk the next night, I found roughly 30 pages under some images I had downloaded for cover work…Ears in the neighborhood likely blistered from the string of words I let out. They were edited, but had gotten separated from the bulk in my busy multi-tasking as I packaged the MS to ship. I had been so consumed with everything else, I didn’t notice that I hadn’t included them until I found them after the fact. EPIC fail!

The work week in the non-writing world was hectic as can happen. I am an operations manager for a Fortune 500 company. Reality doesn’t always cooperate with the expectations from above and it falls to me often to clean up the slack and tighten the line. Missing staff and other management at a conference out-of-state left a bigger slice for me to handle. To claim it went smooth would be a lie. It didn’t. It got done, but…

So, last week was abysmal in a lot of ways. There are other things that happened, or didn’t as the case may be, but who really wants to read the list of shortfalls? Not me and I lived them already. Here’s why I mention it though…

I am a perfectionist. I am a functioning obsessive-compulsive workaholic. I run this little house here and rely often on others to pick up pieces. If they do, or if they do not, at the end of the day…it falls to me and I refuse not to try. I’ll get all the sleep I need when I’m dead.

I’ve been asked when enough will be enough. For me, I think the answer is never. That means that somewhere in the mix, I’m going to lose my mind. I cannot change who I am, and for the frustration that stems from the expectations that I cannot hold others to ever truly meet unless they wish to for themselves, I have to accept that sanity is not amid the litany of what I will achieve or retain.

I am moody. I am ornery. I am demanding. Those who work with me likely have other colorful attributes to describe me and they aren’t wrong. BUT, I am the person you want in your corner in a storm when the world around you scatters to the four corners. I am the one who will die trying because quit is not in my vocabulary. I will learn what I need to learn to make everything happen, or will find someone who can bridge the gaps. Love me or hate me…I’ll always fight for and pursue better; for myself, for my house, for my authors. That is the only ‘enough’ I accept. I’m a Rhino…and damn proud of it.

open magic book, stories and educational stories floating

~Sav

 

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